Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
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[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Very problematic
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.