Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
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We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
December birthdays be like…
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice