Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
You Might Also Like
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
the noise i just made
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey