Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
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[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
my sentiments exactly