*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
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“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick