SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
You Might Also Like
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
🤣🤣🤣
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt