“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
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Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Thursday Thought.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera