[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
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*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?