[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
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once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
😏😏😏
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.