shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
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I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault