Shark week, but for squirrels.
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In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.