Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
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why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Erm I’m gonna say no
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works