Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
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I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.