Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

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[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.


“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.


My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.


The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.


Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.


Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.


My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.


Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”