sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
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Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
this is how life feels
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.