Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
You Might Also Like
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night