Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
You Might Also Like
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Home is where your toilet is.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
is it earth
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project