Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
When ur friends with white people
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?