Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
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riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Life hack
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin