“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
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All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.