Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
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With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?