*Shaves my winter legs*
Weigh me now.![]()
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On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves![]()
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
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8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it