*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My sex drive has a dui
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see