*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots: