[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
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There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Love it! 👍😂
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I came this close!!!!
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials