Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
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Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Covid like
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!