Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
You Might Also Like
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I’d hang this in my house.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
it must be school picture day
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
This sounds bad:
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.