Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
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Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!