She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
You Might Also Like
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
*lint rolls you awake*
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”