She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
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Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
somebody come look at this
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU