She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
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i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME: