She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

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Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip


My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.


My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.


Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.


yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other


If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic


Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere


[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?