@RandomRamblr

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

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@DBMaxP

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

@dmc1138

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

@MichaelTrying

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

@AshlingDennehy

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

@suntzufuntzu

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

@CulturedRuffian

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

@tgonefishin

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

@UncleDuke1969

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?