She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
You Might Also Like
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
can you read it!!??
maan!
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.