Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
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She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?