She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
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Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
She: I like Cats
He:
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
You sure about that?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears