She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
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*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
They grow up so quick
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)