She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
You Might Also Like
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.