She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
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Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
My inexpensive home security system…
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.