@AimeeHelene1 I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
@That_Damn_Duck She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
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@AimeeHelene1 
@chapel3929 There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
@MommaUnfiltered GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
@MikeBigby *Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
@m1ss_chief Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
@Brampersandon_ ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
@BadJordon [ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
@JasonLastname I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
@ju_floripa the only organized thing in my life is crime
@katiefzack People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.