She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
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[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.