She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
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*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Sorry. Not sorry
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.