She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
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GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
2023 was just a warmup
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…