she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
You Might Also Like
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Spring cleaning checklist…
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
live long and prosper!
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”