She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
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I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Nomnomnomnom
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
This fish is cracking me up
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Autocarrot sucks!