She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
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Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
socratic questions
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck