She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)