she has a smile full of sesame seeds
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Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.