“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
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Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
philosophical skeletons be like
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Me too 😆
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more