She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
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An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.