she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
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Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
How to find Kentucky on a map
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
It do be feeling this way.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me