She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
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me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”