Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

The human personality is made of five key elements

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”