she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Why soy sad?
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.