@_davidlucas_
@truegritrumble “How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
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@truegritrumble 
@fro_vo Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
@brunopieroni We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
@myonlymizztake Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
@lisaxy424 [a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
@DavidKlein5 People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
@ShortSleeveSuit HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
@OCDelight21 If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
@samalmightysam Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
@HysteriaBarbie I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”