@_davidlucas_

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

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@truegritrumble

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

@fro_vo

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

@brunopieroni

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

@myonlymizztake

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

@lisaxy424

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

@DavidKlein5

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

@OCDelight21

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

@samalmightysam

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

@HysteriaBarbie

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”