She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
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ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
December birthdays be like…
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
My boss called in sick of me
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal