She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
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[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Not all heroes wear capes….
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.